Losing

I am 2 month pregnant. Had a very big tummy...To tell you the truth, I gain 4 kg and I can't wear any of my existing pants!. We had plan for this about few months ago...Been really trying for the past 4-5 months and no luck. Until one day I get very confused with my eating habit. I ate a lot ...and get hungry very soon. I missed my period too. So I told hubby to buy the tester but he refused as we had done that a few time before and the results are all negative. He came back with one tester anyway and I test and yaiy it's positive. We start hoping...

The boys are excited too. I start to tell Fawwaz that he no longer a baby but boy ... he keep on insisting that he is the baby in the house. Till last week with a little help from Aariz we manage to convince him that he is going to be little brother while Aariz is going to be the big brother. He agreed...and so do all the little hero trick suits him well. Since Fawwaz is not on diaper anymore and he drink fresh milk alternate with formula from glasses. The only thing that I need to train him is to eat by himself. Aariz is already independent ... he can do most of the thing by himself except washing his own poo. Well we are determine to get him ready for that too before our third one coming over.

Till the day on my birthday after flipping over facebook and do my blog posting I decided that why not we just go for the prenatal check-up today. Suppose I want to postpone to next Saturday but I had a spotting and light cramping. So why not just give a visit a week earlier. I had my pre-birthday celebration on Friday with our kids tagging alone with lots of food and shopping ... and maybe there is a reasons why we had a celebration one day earlier. We leave the kids at grannies home and off we go. We waited for a while...hubby reading news on his phone, I played game on Aariz PSP we are so calm as the boys are not running around and we just had our quiet time together.

The nurse called me in and the doctor as me to lie down to do the ultrasound. When she start looking for the baby the first thing she ask were I just pee as I am not suppose to empty my bladder before the ultrasound and my heart start beating. I haven't go to the toilet yet for this morning and it's already 11 and my bladder should be full. So why the baby is not there. I guess that time hubby face start to change as well. She start to ask me if my pregnancy symptoms start to disappear and a few more other question. No I do not know what to answer cos I don't have my usual pregnancy symptom like the other 2 boys which is hurm pretty bad. I just feel hungry all the time, the tiredness, the big tummy and yeah that pretty much about it. Finally she found the sac. It was empty like 2 weeks before. It grows but not as what expected. Then all the questions and answers and explaining starts. It is called a blighted ovum where baby either never develops or stops growing at a very early stage in pregnancy and then disintegrates -- but a gestational sac does develop and the body does not recognize that the baby is missing. No hope were given to us. One week to see if it will go by itself means natural miscarriage or a D&C required.

I do not know what to think for a second. We keep quiet for a while. I always thought all this while I can really pull through if miscarriage does happened to me. After all the baby does not exist yet. Boy I was wrong. All of sudden tears just went down and it does hurts!. I guess it hurts because we have plant our hope. We think we are ready but maybe God has a better plan. We never know. Saturday on my birthday we spent time thinking about it over and over again thinking about it until we realize. It's a small gift that God has taken from us. It could have far worse if the lost will be any of us. For those who lost their child in any circumstances or any of the family members and now I know the feelings of losing.

For all the gifts and the happiness that I gather all this years...The wonderful family I have, health and wealth, opportunities and many more good things that has happened. I thank God for all the blessing and also the small reminder ... the feelings of losing. But one should not stop to hope for a better days to come.

I think I feel much better now. I just have to go through it. Even now I know that the baby is not there, but my body think otherwise. Funny that today it start to choose to show more pregnancy symptoms. I start to feel like vomiting in the morning. So that is the hardest part for now...To live in the body that think that I am still pregnant. Which base on my reading on the net...it will continue with all the symptoms and my tummy will still grow bigger until the miscarriage happen.

I know we will try again soon...see how our rezeki that time. But if it's written that I have to live with my 2 boys for the rest of my life. They are still my greatest gift of all.