Marriage

I had a chat with my friends a while a go on his marriage. At this age of 30, we are in the middle of our life, career crisis. I’ve started to witness some of my friends’ marriage falling down the drain. For some of us getting stronger. They are people not sure where are their career heading, that’s include me. Not certain on financial, and what are the retirement plan. I see some just live for today, think about tomorrow later. The list goes on and I try to learn from all examples around me. Today I just want to talk about marriage.

My friend let’s name him X, I know him for quite some time. He got married soon after me. And according to him, love at the first sight. As other normal married couple, I heard he had his first baby boy and I presume he’s happily married like others. I bump into him again sometime last year, and we chat a while. Nothing seems wrong with him but later I found out that he is not happy with his marriage. Well being me, nosy sometime I try to dig out what happened. It seems that it started with the wife cannot get along with his family. Next the usual quarrel and how the wife do not respect him. And the list goes on. What interesting is they have been fighting for few years back and at this stage he’s thinking about divorce.

Conversation went into a bit details, since his been thinking about divorce then how are their current life now. Interestingly they’ve been living pretty normal. When they fought, X usually will sleep on the couch or even worst sleep outside. Otherwise, they live pretty normal but the scariest part is X mention that he don’t love his wife anymore. Which make me a little bit confuse. Where all the love goes?

In laws, they are some can get along and they are some who can’t. But married to your husband/wife means married to their family. I don’t say it’s easy to deal with in laws. Definitely it is due to how so we brought up. Differences in lifestyle, thinking, and many more, the list can go on. When we first married we don’t have a place to stay yet. We take turn staying in my mil place and my mom’s place. It’s a bit tiring. Lucky I’m married to a man whom every makcik want to have him as son in law. He doesn’t have much problem staying at my mom’s house. As for me, I do have little problem. Example, as he is the youngest in his family, his mom likes to do practically everything for him. I on the other hand feel that we are responsible to our own well being eg: do our laundry, cook and so on. It’s a bit difficult at first, next hubby decided that we should just stay at one place, my mom’s house of course as I’m pregnant and almost due. But even I stay in my mom’s house, we do make a point to visit his mom house weekly till today. Over years, we start to get to know each other better and I am now comfortable to sit down and stays and chat and hangout with mil and the whole family. What I’m trying to say is, yes we do feel awkward at first but if we don’t try and make and effort things will not change.

I admit being a married couple myself. I do fought with husband. The first few years were the worst one. We married young; we are young, same age to be precise. Men’s we know that they mature a little bit later than woman. So usually it left us both in deep anger. But one thing about my hubby, he never ever leaves me alone after fighting. If I be stubborn says to sleep with the kids (kids sleeping in different room). He will definitely carry me back to our room. Romantic right hehe! When I said carry he really does that cause no way ill walk back to the room. So by doing that the rage usually went down at least by 30%.

I’m not sure if man now days realize. Women will still need man to be man. And of for course women need to realize to that we women should still be women. In the event of fighting, men will always have his ego. For those who are bless with a husband that is caring and loving. We should also compromise and know when not to let their ego hurts. Example let them make the decisions as they feel in power when doing that. They don’t want to be seen as being Queen Control. Give them some respect… Learn how to give them some respect. Be truthful, even it hurts sometime, but I learn that by being truthful it will do well in a long run. Being honest by telling each other the do’s and don’t, what we like and dislike and how do we want to be treated is actually not a bad idea.

For us, we are being tested by living and working under the same roof for around 3 years, or maybe 4? During that point of time, is either he can see my desktop or I can see his desktop. Practically we are 24 hours a day together. It’s tiring to see each other face I must tell you. For straight 24 hours and you have to act professionally in the office even we had a fight last night. But that has trained us on how to be professional to set aside emotional, business and family.

Financially is the other source of fighting. Especially when we don’t have enough. Once I heard from the radio, saying that people nowadays get married using loan. Therefore the marriage is not really blessed especially when you don’t serve the loan. Well that only God’s know. But I have to agree with that. You see when you get married and don’t have much capital yet (doesn’t count whoever married dato’ or businessman or org tua). So you take loan for wedding event, and after marriage reality strike. You have to pay for wedding loan, car loan, house loan, and maybe when you have additional person in your life. Money can be a big thing. If you read my posting earlier “A lifestyle to maintain” we also have our fair share on money issue. We still are, where we now really need to prioritize between what we need and what we want. Lucky as well as we are both financial savvy, we do know our limit. Even during our wedding days, we just make do with whatever money that we have. Imagine that we just fork out our 1-year plus working saving, plus of course whatever our old folks has key in our ASB when we are small. I am proud to say that my dowry is all hubbies’ saving and not loan or what so ever. The wedding is simple but that is just the beginning. What important is after marriage.

Sometime when we fight I do get the kids to be involved. Husband hates this so much. And I know it’s definitely not the right thing to do. I do it unintentionally, cos I need someone to hug me. Little Aariz always take side on me, and comfort me. Be my life saviour. But when Fawwaz comes along, he naturally will take side on hubby even we do not ask him to do so. Now we are even. But seriously hubby has a point. Dragging the kids into the fight is not healthy. Luckily now my kids can rational that. Rather than taking sides, they ask us to be friend again. I find it sweet sometime and have to give in.

Marriage doesn’t work naturally. It takes us to make it happened. To my dear friend X, I am not in your position hence I do not know what it really likes and what has happened. But I do hope that your marriage works like us others. Think about the little one that need a mother to love and a father to protect. Maybe think about how to light back the love that have lost. I myself still working on to have my marriage work and last.